Broadview Hawks Football Club

Hawks Take Flight Again Against the Swans July 28th, 2009

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For their third away game this season, the Broadview Hawks embarked on the long drive to Ottawa to take on the Swans at Rideau Carleton Raceway, arguably one of the best venues of the OAFL with music on the field, ice water filled coolers and nearby slot machines and tasty steak sandwiches cooked by a entertaining French chef for after the game. The day before's rains had softened up the field nicely since the Hawks had played here a year ago. Geared and raring to go, the boys in yellow and brown crossed the green carpet into the footy oval. Martin "The Purple Menace" Walter wanted to take the game back down to basics with a strategy of 3 fundamental principles for everyone to apply to their game: Kill, Crush, and Destroy. And if you play for your teammates and be there for them at every contest that you should be in ... well that would be super, too.

The first quarter saw a lot of action in the Swans' end as the Hawks offense kept winning the ball out of the centre and feeding the forward line with many opportunities. In a strange and creepy turn of events at the start of the game, Marty "Super Coach" Walter forcefully mandated to forward pocket Henry "Chenry" Chen that he wanted the wee Asian to score the first goal of the game and wouldn't you know it, he almost did. Alas, being cursed with genetically shorter legs and being ridiculously good-looking, he was just a few inches short of being able to get the foot on the ball and only managed to get the first point of the game. Still, it foreshadowed the possibility that all of Super Coach's directives would be fulfilled this game: the primary order being to break the Hawks' current losing streak.

Vice-Captain Nick " The Ripper" Shuttleworth was deadly in this quarter marking and kicking goals to a point where the hopes of a Swans' victory was as attainable as this reporter's attempts at sobriety: possible but unlikely at the moment. Danny "I assure you Sven is ghey" Walker also had a very menacing presence throughout the game. In fact, one Ottawa Swan mentioned the extreme difficulty in stopping that man. Of course, one Hawker replied that it was okay if he simply ceased to try to stop Danny and get out of his way. For the rare ball that sailed passed into the Hawks' half of the field was promptly stopped and fed back upfield by Captain Stefan "Dainty Tea-drinker" Leyhane. By the end of the first quarter, Broadview was up 35 to 0.

The second quarter saw the usual strong plays of the usual suspects: Fraser "I can only hit on cougars bcos no one's my age" Nicholson-Bliesner and John "Best and Fairest in Pansy Hoody Top" MacGrath. And the Hawks continued to prey on the Swans like predators hungry for a meal. Rookies Taylor "The Enforcer" Matthews and Jamie "Locked-in" Mahy shined this day in Ottawa as the former lay down some smackdown in the defensive line and the latter took marks as if he had been playing footy since kindergarten. In an effort not to have a repeat of their first thunderstormed game against the Hawks last year, the Swans pushed hard to break the possible shutout that was coalescing on the horizon and scored a goal in the second quarter against a very strong defensive line. However, this was at the cost of one of their own being injured and taken off the field by the paramedics.

After the half and an inspirational pep talk from the coach, the Hawks ravaged the third quarter much like the previous two with them winning the majority of the contests and quickly turning over any contest lost. Veteran Richard "Richie" Mintz also posted well on the scoreboard this game like a bat out of hell, taking great marks and following through with the goals. Adam "my hair is just terrible" Verdurmen had a good shot at upping his goal count against nemesis Danny "Neon Afterglow" Walker but unfortunately missed from 15 metres out. Mark "Two Shirts Down" Leyhane was looking much more comfortable in the ruck ... an increasing dangerous menace to for every OAFL ruck rover. This game also saw some true Broadview Hawk dedication by several members who commuted from Toronto to Ottawa and then back to Toronto: equating to probably 9 hours travel time for a single game.

The last 20 minutes saw more questionable play than this reporter is used to. Ian "these aren't Daisy Dukes booty shorts bcos they're made from my own pants" Graham was the recipient of a cheap shot to the chin after a play was done and the ump was not looking. The aftermath of the incident was luckily controlled in time before an all out pub brawl ensued. You could tell that emotions were running high from that point on. But really, the end result was two of the best quotes on the field that day. My personal favourite quote of the day was "21 not 1!!!" The second best quote goes to Ian "Metro" Graham for saying "I'm starting to see yellow." after refusing to go off-field for most of the last quarter while being surrounded by our boys in yellow and brown.

In the end, it was victory: sweet and smelling like napalm.

As per usual of a Hawks roadtrip, there were some inevitable high jinks. There was the "almost" Wrestlemania Throwdown match between SuperCoach and Rideau Carleton Raceway's executive French chef. The ticket sales failed to break even. There were many assorted and varied rumours floating about that night including some obviously fabricated National Enquirer-type stories. Any rational human being with common sense knows that water-sliding in a hotel hallway is completely impossible and thus that story is obviously fan fiction. There was the one about the cameo appearance of the girlfriend of Grimace, famous mascot of MacDonald's fast food restaurants who was completely obsessed with herself, constantly remarking on how good she smelled and touching herself inappropriately. However, the only two corroborated stories were that, yes, the Hawks walked away from Ottawa with a win and that the majority of the team was attacked by a shirt-shredding assailant that was reported to be a pale, lanky alien with beady eyes.