Broadview Hawks Football Club

Hawks Bounced by 'Roos at UTSC June 12th, 2009

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Following the previous week's victory over Guelph and an extended visit to Tim Horton's, the noticeably absent and since deemed Hawk elder, Stefan Leyhane, was heard asking "how the coffee baristas looked?" Obtaining precise answers regarding the evening has proved difficult, but forensic evidence present on the undergarment of a particularly eccentric member of the Hawks organization may soon shed light on the situation. The origins of said substance are yet to be determined, but Super Coach Martin Walter's infamous commentary regarding the size of package on which the substance was found certainly made heads turn. Many questions remain unanswered about the festivities in Guelph, but Walter made it clear that he wanted the Hawks to focus on nothing but football: "right 'o, ok, right, you need to be thinking football, football, football, 'right!" Indeed, the Hawks brass had a challenge ahead of them as they had an opportunity to take down the Etobicoke Kangaroos in what the critics speculated could be the match of the year.

Intent on getting the boys cleaned up after the monumental weekend, Brendan "common guys, it is fitness Tuesday!" Bell pushed the Hawks to reach new levels of fitness. Unfortunately, a weekend's worth of Chai Tea Lattes proved too much for several of the Hawks and thus training attendance was at an all-time low. Upon getting wind of the poor attendance, Martin "footy shorts look more like Capris on me" Walter was absolutely floored. In an unprecedented attempt to rejuvenate the Hawks, Walter took it upon himself to lead by example and jog to training. With the gentle breeze flowing through his hair, the enchanted Walter, who was merrily trotting along, was quickly brought back to reality when an unapologetic Lee "Leepo" Pope nearly toppled him over as he blasted past. Coach Walter was later heard muttering the phrase "I'll tire them out so much at training that they'll have no choice but to give me the ball during the second's game on Saturday."

The Coach's plan went off without a hitch. Martin "runs like a velociraptor" Walter managed to bag 2 goals and a behind in a Division 2 Hawks win he was obviously pleased with. The fame and fortune quickly went to his head as he began comparing himself to the likes of club superstars Nick Shuttleworth and Danny "Cover Boy" Walker. Fortunately, the focus quickly turned toward the match against the 'Roos.

The Hawks knew coming into the match that it would not be a walk in the park. Right from the opening siren both teams were hard at work. The newly acquired rookie, Sven "teachers called me Special 'cause my name sounds like a prime number, right?" Henrycoff, displayed some impressive left-foot kicking ability on the half-back flank. Although the Kangaroos struck first blood, the mighty Ben Carter came through for the Hawks snagging their first goal of the game. Erik "Toucan Sam" Juhasz courageously showed his willingness to sacrifice his body for his mates. During the second quarter, Juhasz's nose spontaneously erupted and began spewing blood in all directions much like the Argentinean volcanoes that kept Jonathan "Jono" Barlow mysteriously captive in South America many moons ago. The sight of blood immediately ignited the Hawks' best-on-ground, John "JMac" McGrath. His great roving work was fundamental to keeping the Hawks in the game. Unfortunately, it was not enough to overcome the Kangaroos and the unfavourable outcome was difficult for players to swallow.

Despite the loss, the Hawks put forth a solid effort. "Everyone on the field played their heart out," Brendan "Belly" Bell commented, "that's what the coaching staff wants to see. Unfortunately, we had a few injuries with Matty Mullin injuring his foot and Kevin 'I'll feel REAL pain when I explain this at home' McLean receiving a blow to the back. Of course, Jamie 'JAAAMIEEE' Mahy's pride received the worst blow of all after losing the post-game drinking competition. I'm not sure if we will get him back on his feet after that pride-shattering loss, but we will certainly give him the extra coaching he needs at Stix 'N Stones this coming Thursday." Several Hawks players declined interviews after the difficult defeat. Armed with his "Metro" inspired Armani sunglasses, Mario "Boys #2 Supercuts Special" Pareja refused to comment on the day's match and his noticeably poor hairdo.

Club supporters and players agreed that regardless of the loss, Saturday was a great day for the club. The BBQ was cooking, the kids were playing and everyone had a wonderful time. Forbes "Forbsy" Gemmell was put in charge of the barbeque for the day which had some spectators, like VP Social Sean "soon to be diaper-dispenser" Collins, a bit rattled. "They put Forbsy in charge of the barbie?!" said Collins, "Now who the heck is going to bring the condiments? Doesn't that guy have a wife's ex-boyfriend's sister's baby shower to attend? I won't forget this Gemmell!" Although Forbes claimed Sean's remarks wouldn't affect his barbequing performance, he was noticeably cautious about keeping the ménage é trois of hair-products on his head a safe distance from the open flames. The rest of the supporters were simply glad Gemmell stuck to traditional beef rather than the meat-ginseng fusion burgers he seemed so enamoured with.

The food was accompanied by plenty of entertainment. Sven "the warrior princess" Henrycoff had the crowd dazzled with his acrobatic pirouettes as he fought off 3' villains using his flip-flops in what can only be described as a re-enactment of Albino-Nordic Mythology gone horribly wrong. Julie "Jewels" Palin eventually put an end to the bizarre scene by sending "Seven" for a timeout. The on-field festivities eventually wrapped up as the players prepared for a big night on the town.

Several of the Hawks were spotted leaving Grace O'Malley's late into the evening. An obviously inebriated Ian "Metro" Graham was seen arguing with an automated parking meter about being a part of Australian Idol. "I'm like Simon, except Australian, but I'm really Canadian," he claimed. The parking meter was relentless in its position.

Cheer your Hawks on next Saturday at Humber North where they will be taking on the Toronto Eagles at noon.