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Hawks Get Back on Track in Rain-soaked Affair June 23rd
Hawks 14. 13. (97)
def. Rebels 2. 5. (17)
What do you get on the first official day of summer in Toronto? Answer: A field wetter than Sven's pants after the Palin kids scare the pee out of him in a game of peekaboo. No mind however as the Hawks showed up determined to take back some pride they had lost in weeks 3 and 4.
Marty Walter, prior to his high class salon hair polish, wanted this victory badly. Rumours had been swirling around Walter this week that pressing issues could see him leave the club for July and August. This is unconfirmed but in this reporter's eyes, it would be disastrous for the Hawks. As he called out the team he needed to be reminded that Forbes "2009's biggest disappointment" Gemmell and Andrew "it's wedding season" Hodd were absent for yet another week. "No problem" remarked the Super Coach and he filled those water running spots with one man, Jamie "I slept on my shoulder wrong and don't want to risk it" Mahy.
As the mighty Hawks took the field, the rain continued to saturate the ground. It was so wet that Ian "I am my own hairstylist" Graham had to re-work his coiffure in the first five minutes. This, however, would not slow down the brown and gold on this day. The centre for the Hawks was unusually big and powerful. Both Ben "big game" Carter and Rob "thunder" Vickers patrolled the centre square at the same time. This size and strength had not be seen in the centre since the likes of JD "pythons" Ney and Pablo "where are you" Willis.
Eagles Shred Hawks in Disappointing Loss June 16th
Eagles 16. 4. (100)
def. Hawks 8. 9. (57)
The Hawks' Division 1 and 2 teams both hit Humber North to take on the Eagles on one of the first Saturdays that one could say that yes summer has arrived. The Division 2 team started the day off with a complete domination of the Eagles' Division 2 team. Led by the likes of Ryan "a gajillion surgeries can't stop me from playing" Tackleberry and Andrew "I thought this was the benefit of playing 2nds" Ackles in the centre, the Hawks fed the forward line with opportunities with full forward Seamus "Goal-zilla" Hoban answering in kind. Long passes, 1% ers, pushing the envelope: it was all there. The support was so reliable that at one point Bruce "I can still kill it" McMonnies, had three shepherds escorting him to the goal that one would think he was an Australian, older version of Britney Spears with her bodyguards out for a jog, except without the fame, the fake breasts, and tour dates. At the half, visiting coach Danny "Cat Drawer" Walker explained to the team what they had been doing right and what they should do ensure victory. The answer was whiskers and wouldn't you believe it, he was right: the Hawks Division 2 won by a fair margin.
Then the Hawks vs Eagles Division 1 game commenced with the smell of barbeque wafting in the air. Little did anyone know, this was an omen of the game to be: hawkburgers on the grill. The first quarter almost seemed like a dream or nightmare both on and off the field. On the field, nothing was coalescing into reality: the ball escaping from Hawks' possession like figments of their imagination and without the ball, there would be no goals. The people on the sidelines could not believe their very eyes: were these really the Broadview Hawks or did someone replace the team with uninspired clones? Was there a huge all-night raging party the night before and no one had actually slept? Broadview was definitely not performing up to par and the mystery remains as to why? How? One player appeared out of nowhere several times like a superhero out of a comic book to quell the inferno that was the Eagles' offence with some impressive tackles. If the first 3 quarters were to be described as a Hawkburger barbeque, Danny "I can't hold my pee on this busride" Walker was the one keeping some burgers off the grill. Other players also kept a few hawkburgers off the grill, but a few players is not enough against an entire Eagles team that simply wanted the ball more.
Hawks Bounced by 'Roos at UTSC June 12th
Kangaroos 14. 15. (99)
def. Hawks 7. 10. (52)
Following the previous week's victory over Guelph and an extended visit to Tim Horton's, the noticeably absent and since deemed Hawk elder, Stefan Leyhane, was heard asking "how the coffee baristas looked?" Obtaining precise answers regarding the evening has proved difficult, but forensic evidence present on the undergarment of a particularly eccentric member of the Hawks organization may soon shed light on the situation. The origins of said substance are yet to be determined, but Super Coach Martin Walter's infamous commentary regarding the size of package on which the substance was found certainly made heads turn. Many questions remain unanswered about the festivities in Guelph, but Walter made it clear that he wanted the Hawks to focus on nothing but football: "right 'o, ok, right, you need to be thinking football, football, football, 'right!" Indeed, the Hawks brass had a challenge ahead of them as they had an opportunity to take down the Etobicoke Kangaroos in what the critics speculated could be the match of the year.
Intent on getting the boys cleaned up after the monumental weekend, Brendan "common guys, it is fitness Tuesday!" Bell pushed the Hawks to reach new levels of fitness. Unfortunately, a weekend's worth of Chai Tea Lattes proved too much for several of the Hawks and thus training attendance was at an all-time low. Upon getting wind of the poor attendance, Martin "footy shorts look more like Capris on me" Walter was absolutely floored. In an unprecedented attempt to rejuvenate the Hawks, Walter took it upon himself to lead by example and jog to training. With the gentle breeze flowing through his hair, the enchanted Walter, who was merrily trotting along, was quickly brought back to reality when an unapologetic Lee "Leepo" Pope nearly toppled him over as he blasted past. Coach Walter was later heard muttering the phrase "I'll tire them out so much at training that they'll have no choice but to give me the ball during the second's game on Saturday."
The Coach's plan went off without a hitch. Martin "runs like a velociraptor" Walter managed to bag 2 goals and a behind in a Division 2 Hawks win he was obviously pleased with. The fame and fortune quickly went to his head as he began comparing himself to the likes of club superstars Nick Shuttleworth and Danny "Cover Boy" Walker. Fortunately, the focus quickly turned toward the match against the 'Roos.
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